Life is a bitch

I have to get something off my chest...I feel suffocated....whom to tell?...where to share?....need some air to breathe....should I tell you? May be I should....I know the title is a little harsh but it's the fact...isn't it? you decide...

I remember my early years.....I wanted to get educated and independent just like any other girl...I was physically and mentally capable of doing anything under the sun...I always kept higher ranks in studies...always successful participation in sports....but my parents commenting that I am incapable of doing anything made me self conscious and just kept increasing my low self esteem.....they said "you are not capable of doing anything, learn house work that will help you in future",....let me remind you that we were in Mumbai and we are Brahmin....who does that nowadays? forcing a girl into household works instead of studies? learning housework is important but not at the cost of the education...

I learned what constant pressure is in very early age, even before my teen years, doesn't sound real right? but it is true......to be honest I never lied to my parents about anything, I kept working hard so that they would be proud of me, a good daughter and a good person....but it never worked, even when I was 8 years old....they trusted anything and everything said by other people without even talking with me or confirming with me.....I had to hear about how I am not worthy of the food , clothes and education that they providing to me and it's their favor that I am getting it....I kept thinking why are they so nasty with me? I took beating even when I was in my teens.....can you believe it? I still don't know why they behaved like they did? I tried to speak with them after marriage but my so called mother kept yelling and crying how I was bad daughter so she had to be like that with me...WHAT? I can understand if you say it with any evidence or during teen years parents complain about it but even before age 10 I was bad girl? and they couldn't handle me? Really? You know what they say, you can wake up who is sleeping but can't wake up who is pretending to sleep....

I completed my graduation and wanted to learn some more....meanwhile hell of a things happened, will tell you about it some other time....So, my parents who kept saying 20's is the age of learning and in 30 you can earn money denied me education and also almost banned me from work....I don't understand this because when I lost my job my mother would taunt me so much that I wanted to kill my self so whatever happened to the education is 20's ....everybody faces problems at their workplace and so did I, but instead of supporting me or directing me they kept torturing me and humiliating me.... I couldn't get further education, made difficult for the job and definitely no business because they thought I am into prostitution when I did try something....well, they kept telling me that I am a prostitute right from age 12 .....why? because I use to talk with boys....yeah...that's my life ....real life...No exaggeration....at that age I didn't even what that word meant.....isn't that funny!!!...

According to my "mom and dad" I should've gotten married by 19 but for my sister it took calm years till she found the right one...talk about discrimination and partiality.....I kept my head up and kept fighting with the life...stood up for myself because I never had anybody to defend me in the course of a life....sometimes I thought of committing suicide but then it is a cowards play.....not my alley....I earned some money and joined a French speaking course at Kalina University....as usual never encouraged me, my parents advised me to drop out because according to them I couldn't handle it...I passed the class.....so they asked my younger sister to take admission for German language....she failed.....not bragging about myself but just one example...

Most of my life I was under constant pressure....at dark place....constant fear of humiliation, physical and mental abuse.....I ran away three times once at the age of 11.....reasons are the same....rather they kept telling me to commit suicide....hit me harshly....sometimes I find myself looking for answers.....anyways....

After completion of the college degree  and trying few jobs I tried to start a business with some money that I earned but instead of supporting me in any ways they brought home a palm reader to convince me to drop the plan and to get married.....now living in the city like Mumbai where opportunities are at your fingertips this was my situation.....Finally I feared of any possible permanent harm I agreed to get married and after few meetings found one eligible bachelor to get married to only to find out on the very next day that his family did not or should I say do not want me.....followed by my partner's comments caring about me just because of my child....this is an arranged marriage.....no one forced anything on anybody....why me? or  is it just that life is a bitch....I stand tall and keep fighting for my existence, my honor and my stability now at different house.....

Story will continue on some other day....but will take a break for now.....