Thursday, January 21, 2010

Park

there are few things on my mind for a very long time....I live in San Jose,US....there are so many Indians here....not very friendly.either...may be because they are in US (it's a ego thing)....anyways,

So we have a huge park nearby where I take my daughter since she was four months old.... an old Punjabi woman comes with her grandchild.....for some reason she has some problem with me and I don't even know the bitch....first time when she approached me asking whether I am with a second child and when I answered "no" then asked me why do I have huge belly?....I had C-section delivery....
 I said to my self "forget it, she is old Indian nosy lady"....

Then one day when my baby was eight months old we were playing on the slide and this lady was sitting in the castle with her grandchild she yelled at my baby for no reason....I ignored one more time..

Then one time my baby was playing alone and I was chatting with someone nearby this lady with some other young bitch with a child went to her and snatched a stick from her hands....I went to my child asking what happened....I didn't want to be one of those overbearing over-caring mother but may be my baby was too young....after few min. taking with her I found a small scar on her hands the I got mad and went to the old lady's house and asked her so her told me that "she had stick in her hand and you were far away so I didn't tell you...that stick might have hurt my grandchild.".....I told her very nicely that if you have concern about my child then come to me....no matter where I am and tell me....you don't have any right to deal with a child directly....."but it was too much for me so wrote a letter to the cops...

I do feel guilty about leaving my child alone even for few minuits......but I learned one thing that always be with my child no matter what....especially outside the house.....she is too young to deal with this kind of nastiness.....may be I will feel alright after writing this down...

Dreams

Psychologist say that dreams are perceptions of subconscious mind....i.e. people dream of certain things that they might not be able to pursue in real life or that they want to but can't...or something like that I don't know.....

But to remind you this because I have really weird dreams, I am talking about the dream of last nite but whenever I have dreams it's always something weird.....

You won't believe but once I had Mahatma Gandhi in my dreams and I am not fond of him....right now I don't remember what he was doing in my dreams but I am sure thrilled !!! Once I was a gangster...seriously.....so does this mean that once I pursued to be a member of Gandhi team but then I found out that these things don't work nowadays so I became a gangster....that works!!!

Once I dreamed of being in a Mideastern country shopping for vases ....I don't know why....people dream about being the President of a country or a beauty queen or astronaut or something nice like that but what do I dream about ?  being a gangster shopping in a mideastern country.....

You know...when I was 12-14 yrs old I had  a scary dream that I am in my village Vada, infront of my room and my feet are stuck on the ground and there is a very scary lady with huge "kunku" on her forehead yelling at me to come near her or I will die....and here I was couldn't lift my feet....I was so scared and woke up screaming.....

sometimes dreams are so nice that I don't feel like getting up.....yesterday I dreamed that I am with my baby and her daddy in a very crowded temple in India....for some reason one lady came up to me and told me that someone is honoring people from Bharati Vidyapith .....so I went there with my baby...now I am not or never was their student but I went there to get my coconut (Shrifal)....after receiving it I went ahead from the line to pray the god but my baby got stuck in the chamber...and I didn't realize it till someone yelled it...so I got her...line was huge.....I don't remember the rest .....then I went to get my clothes from hotel laundry but the staff thought I was stealing.....I ran...

then in the same dream I was with a very handsome guy who protected me...I don't understand these things....why the hell I am dreaming these things? What is in my subconscious mind? or is there anything? Really!!!!

Saturday, January 16, 2010

Life is a bitch

I have to get something off my chest...I feel suffocated....whom to tell?...where to share?....need some air to breathe....should I tell you? May be I should....I know the title is a little harsh but it's the fact...isn't it? you decide...

I remember my early years.....I wanted to get educated and independent just like any other girl...I was physically and mentally capable of doing anything under the sun...I always kept higher ranks in studies...always successful participation in sports....but my parents commenting that I am incapable of doing anything made me self conscious and just kept increasing my low self esteem.....they said "you are not capable of doing anything, learn house work that will help you in future",....let me remind you that we were in Mumbai and we are Brahmin....who does that nowadays? forcing a girl into household works instead of studies? learning housework is important but not at the cost of the education...

I learned what constant pressure is in very early age, even before my teen years, doesn't sound real right? but it is true......to be honest I never lied to my parents about anything, I kept working hard so that they would be proud of me, a good daughter and a good person....but it never worked, even when I was 8 years old....they trusted anything and everything said by other people without even talking with me or confirming with me.....I had to hear about how I am not worthy of the food , clothes and education that they providing to me and it's their favor that I am getting it....I kept thinking why are they so nasty with me? I took beating even when I was in my teens.....can you believe it? I still don't know why they behaved like they did? I tried to speak with them after marriage but my so called mother kept yelling and crying how I was bad daughter so she had to be like that with me...WHAT? I can understand if you say it with any evidence or during teen years parents complain about it but even before age 10 I was bad girl? and they couldn't handle me? Really? You know what they say, you can wake up who is sleeping but can't wake up who is pretending to sleep....

I completed my graduation and wanted to learn some more....meanwhile hell of a things happened, will tell you about it some other time....So, my parents who kept saying 20's is the age of learning and in 30 you can earn money denied me education and also almost banned me from work....I don't understand this because when I lost my job my mother would taunt me so much that I wanted to kill my self so whatever happened to the education is 20's ....everybody faces problems at their workplace and so did I, but instead of supporting me or directing me they kept torturing me and humiliating me.... I couldn't get further education, made difficult for the job and definitely no business because they thought I am into prostitution when I did try something....well, they kept telling me that I am a prostitute right from age 12 .....why? because I use to talk with boys....yeah...that's my life ....real life...No exaggeration....at that age I didn't even what that word meant.....isn't that funny!!!...

According to my "mom and dad" I should've gotten married by 19 but for my sister it took calm years till she found the right one...talk about discrimination and partiality.....I kept my head up and kept fighting with the life...stood up for myself because I never had anybody to defend me in the course of a life....sometimes I thought of committing suicide but then it is a cowards play.....not my alley....I earned some money and joined a French speaking course at Kalina University....as usual never encouraged me, my parents advised me to drop out because according to them I couldn't handle it...I passed the class.....so they asked my younger sister to take admission for German language....she failed.....not bragging about myself but just one example...

Most of my life I was under constant pressure....at dark place....constant fear of humiliation, physical and mental abuse.....I ran away three times once at the age of 11.....reasons are the same....rather they kept telling me to commit suicide....hit me harshly....sometimes I find myself looking for answers.....anyways....

After completion of the college degree  and trying few jobs I tried to start a business with some money that I earned but instead of supporting me in any ways they brought home a palm reader to convince me to drop the plan and to get married.....now living in the city like Mumbai where opportunities are at your fingertips this was my situation.....Finally I feared of any possible permanent harm I agreed to get married and after few meetings found one eligible bachelor to get married to only to find out on the very next day that his family did not or should I say do not want me.....followed by my partner's comments caring about me just because of my child....this is an arranged marriage.....no one forced anything on anybody....why me? or  is it just that life is a bitch....I stand tall and keep fighting for my existence, my honor and my stability now at different house.....

Story will continue on some other day....but will take a break for now.....

Friday, January 15, 2010

Unforgettable dream love

Love or just a dream?....did it ever happened to you that you kept thinking about "the one" you don't even know whether he exists...may be first time when you met him, he wanted to help you out with something  silly you did and couldn't get out without help....you just looked at him and your eyes met and didn't need to speak at all....is that love or just infatuation? ....

Sometimes you just keep thinking about someone from your dreams who doesn't even have a face but has lot of emotions and love for you...is that love without even a sight?....you keep forgetting real world...things that matter in real life....just keep dreaming about someone....is that love?.....You want to be close to him...hold his hand...rest your head on his shoulder and he kiss you tenderly.....you forget about the entire world around you .....there is nothing but a milky nite with stars...wonderful perfume everywhere and it's just you and him...did it ever happen to you?